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cameronf69
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Name: cameron
Country: United States
State: Texas
Birthday: 7/27/1989
Interests: paintball, bushido, the study of sword play, history, religions of the world, girls, and ... well stuff that has a tendency to get me in trouble.
Expertise: sword play, vampires, history, paintball (or at least i like to think so) and also bushido.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  cameronf69
AIM:  god of the old
Member Since:
8/11/2004
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| lord i need to remember my password to this site aside for when I'm not drunk, pretty sure i wanted to be profound somewhere that i didnt have to use a pen. ability is nothing without opportunity neh? realizing how insecure i am, mildly disappointing, however not suprised. keep having dreams in which i get shot or what have you infront of a woman i dream of. is not a nightmare. is a rather good dream, bit selfish but still. i remember when i was a kid i started having dreams in which i felt pain, have felt pain in my dreams ever since. I wonder if it is because in these dreams, while i feel pain, it is not extreme, and i am always able to keep a clear mind, then drop dead, held by my lover. bit over the top even for a 90's chick flick, but for some reason seems fitting to me. suppose i just have a death wish. who doesn't these days? i keep saying i was borne in the wrong age, who am i to say such a thing? i suppose that if there is a grand scheme to things, this is when i was meant to be
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| so, i told a few people i was having folks over, most seemed interested. then all but two people bailed on me. God love you mandy and andrew f. but others led me to believe they where coming over, then bailed. at midnight no less. well andrew got a call notifying him of a gathering of folks near st. eds. so we went. we get there, and bam, all the folks who bailed on me are right fucking there. i have said it before, that they really are not my friends, that they do nothing to encourage friendship with me. but last night, it really sank in, my once huge group of friends has shrinked, into a weird rohmbus or something ...
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| so i decided to put my last entry, the golden path on facebook. you know, put it out there. considering i write this just for my own amusment. i got some good reactions, of course taylor reed told me i was an idiot for putting it on facebook. even though i expected that kind of reaction from him, it still made me angry. he got support from the worlds second biggest hypocrit, mary catherin. but oh well, in my book, i can write them off as being full of their own out looks, and not thinking about what they are saying before they say it. despite that i do have more supporters than nay sayers, it still broke my heart when my mom thought it didnt belong either. if facebook is just for children to flirt and jack off to pictures of themselves then ... fuck it. im not a child. i dont need to do childish things | | |
| so it feels like everything is going how it should. the current is leading up to the appropriate future. im starting to get my dreams again too. not that they are good dreams usually, but it is kind of like ... iv been sleeping in the wilderness and the dreams were like a blanket, one i had lost and have found again. however it does remind me that i gave up one thing that i have been working at lately. perhaps i am to love and loose, perhaps i am never to love one person. who knows what the will of God is. either way. it is nice to have the dreams again when im sober. after i had quit using cocaine, the dreams had stopped. and i felt more alone in the year that i didnt use than ... ever. part of me think the past year was Gods way of testing me, was my 40 days in the wilderness, with luck it is over and was that easy. I have started to meet the people i imagine will be around me when the world realizes what is happening. it is funny how i always thought things would happen all at once, one day something would happen on the news and people would loose it. i realize now that is simply hollywood. its not like that in real life, things are slow, what is happening now, the economical collapse, is a part i would imagine. this is the hard part for me. im no prophet, im just blessed/cursed with the knowledge of what could come to pass. God told us he would not destroy us as he did with noah. however, he said nothing about us destroying our selves. this is a time of great judgment. we as a specise must fight for our survival. all of the issues on this globe seem to stem from humans, we must prove worthy as children of God to even survive on this planet. part of that means we must show love, strenght, compassion, and detachment. we stand at a crossroads, all paths lead to the same ultimate place, we must all choose a path to walk along, and we must all pray the path we walk is the golden path
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| every saint has a past, every sinner future, my best friend sent me that today. i really needed to hear that. it gives solace, as well as hope. really makes me want to live more and give more. a long time ago i sold my soul to God, in exchange to always have faith, to be able to overcome any challenge, and as i am able to do so i also have the time to realize what i sold for my good fortune. i traded love. the thing that i know know i have craved my entire life, is love, who cannot have enough of it? none. i think of 1st corinthians, 13. "if i speak in the tounges of men and of angels, but have not love. i am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbol. if i have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if i have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, i am nothing. if i give all i posses to the poor and surrender my body in the flames, but have not love, i gain nothing." how much farther i should have lived, i made my deal, however i now regret it, my life shall be full of glory yes, but when i finish my day and go home from my comrades, what shall i have but a bed? i shall never know the truth of love. i have sold my right. i have gained what i wished for but have sold what i would need. perhaps i shall be liken to achillies, my name forever remembered, but also is my curse, to be everlasting, and never know true peace.
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